Sunday, June 14, 2009

"I'm too tired for sex" the recap

My "too tired for sex" post gathered the most comments of any post on my sparse blog, so I want to reiterate my point. Hopefully, It'll be a little more clear now.

I love my wife very much, but she causes me great pain when she rejects me sexually, especially since I cannot understand her explanations.

I married her for a couple reasons:
I enjoyed being around her all the time - we like the same kinds of games, movies, activities, foods, and can talk to each other for hours on end.
I wanted to have children with her.
I enjoyed having sex with her, and I was truly sexually satisfied with her.

After marriage, we were having the best sex of my life, but then she got pregnant with our first child, and her sex drive went to zero. It stayed at zero all the way until she stopped breastfeeding. We wanted another pretty soon, so we started trying, and she got pregnant again immediately. This time she promised some sexual activity during pregnancy and breastfeeding instead of outright drought, and barely kept that promise. Meanwhile, my brother left his wife, but wouldn't tell anybody why. I told my wife my guess was that his wife was not having sex with him. They also had two kids, but unlike my wife, his wife worked, so her "too tired for sex" reasons would be stronger. My wife only half believed, and my brother and sister-in-law got back together.

I cannot survive a sexless marriage. For that and several other reasons (financial, etc), I got a vasectomy.

After weaning our second child, my wife's libido has risen to about 10% its original levels. That's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that she thinks nothing's wrong. She thinks that it's perfectly normal for wives/mothers to just not enjoy sex more than once every 2 or 3 months. Every time I ask that she see a doctor to check her hormones or that we go together to a sex therapist she gets extremely upset, saying that I should stop telling her she has a problem.

The problem is, having kids did not change my sex drive, but it wiped hers out. I came into our marriage expecting her to satisfy me sexually for the rest of my life, and now I'm spanking my monkey by myself every day as if I'm in highschool again. If she had told me before having kids that she didn't expect to be sexual after kids, I would have told her we would adopt a child after she goes through menopause. We're at extremes now. I want sex every day, and she did too when we were newlyweds. Now she won't touch me lovingly, she won't kiss me passionately, and when we do end up having sex, she's limp, lifeless, acting like she's just doing a favor for me to keep me from leaving her. That's not what I want. That hurts me to my core every time. It makes me feel like all the sex we had before kids was a lie and a trap, a bait and switch marriage. What I need is for her to desire and enjoy sex like she used to. I want her to see sex as adult playtime, as important to do with your husband daily as playtime with your kids is. I want her to know that daily sex is good for you. It's healthy, just let go and enjoy it.

I feel very used, because I earn all the money, I let her buy whatever food she wants, I give her plenty of Friday nights Ladies' night out where I watch the kids and she gets drunk with a group of moms to gossip about why the hell their husbands expect sex out of them. I give her everything, but she does not give me the one thing I want - sexual satisfaction.

Was I always just an ATM and a sperm bank for her? It's crazy, when she tries to give me other stuff, like my favorite food, my favorite beer, letting me watch whatever on tv, it shows that she just doesn't get it - you can't say "sorry I've been torturing you by being your spouse but making you go without sex" with anything but sex. It's gotten to where, Christmas, my birthday, Father's day, whatever the occasion where she should give me a gift, I ask for willing, enjoyable sex. I did not expect any of this before asking her to marry me. I expected children to make our sex go from daily to 3 or 4 days a week. The level of sexual activity we have now I wasn't expecting until at least our seventies. I don't believe I should even have to ask for sex with my spouse. We should just be doing it. She should be initiating sex, like she used to, to show her affection.

Literally, everything else I need, I can just pay someone or get it from someone else for free. But with sex, I'm only allowed to get it from my wife. I truly feel like she has either a physical problem like hormone imbalance, or a psychological problem like bad thoughts and misconceptions about sex. So I'm trying to convince her to see a doctor or a sex therapist to work out the problems. But she won't admit there's a problem so she refuses to get help. She just says "oh, I'm too tired for sex". Then just let go and enjoy! I can do all the physical work. If she is truly just plain tired, then being too tired for sex says that she doesn't care about our relationship. Reprioritize your daily tasks so that there is enough energy at the end of the day for sex with your spouse. Sex is the keystone of marriage, it may be a small part, but without it, the whole thing comes toppling down.

I married a sexual person, but when she became a mom she lost all her libido, leaving me searching for it on my own.


Peter Cooper said...

So what's the deal now?

Beanie's Appa said...

Slowly but surely getting better. She finally admits that her body might not be quite right. Her defense before was that this is common. My counter is that common does not imply normal.

I'm also trying my best to learn how to voice my concerns without making her feel attacked. The fighting over it could be more my fault.

I never blamed her for willfully rejecting sex, but made her feel that way. I was just concerned that her sex drive has never recovered to anywhere near its pre-pregnancy levels, and alarmed that she was not concerned, almost like seeing someone have skin cancer on their back that they can't see or feel and saying "!!!!! go see a doctor now!!!!!!!"