Friday, March 23, 2007

"I'm too tired for sex" - What your husband really hears.

This post is for all you ladies out there that say you're too tired for sex with your man. You might want to rethink if you knew what he was really hearing you say.

I'm a man, obviously, but I'm also pretty sure that I'm a normal man when I say I've wanted sex every day of my life since I was about 13. The only time in my life I got nearly that much was when we were newlyweds, but now with one kid here and another one coming, I have to constantly tell my wife what I really hear when she says "I'm too tired for sex today."

"I'm too tired for sex today." from the wife = to the husband "Everything I've done today, no, everything I've done since the last time we had sex that could have contributed to making me tired right now is more important to me than having sex with you."

Let me give you some examples:

1. I'm too tired for sex = making sure all the dishes are clean is more important to me than having sex with my husband.

2. I'm too tired for sex = vacuuming the hallway is more important to me than my husband's spermcount getting so high that he starts drooling when he sees anything with boobs and a vagina.

3. Taking care of the baby makes me too tired for sex = To me, sex is nothing more than a tool to get your sperm into my eggs, so no sex from now until it's time to have another baby.

4. We're too stressed out to have sex = I didn't hear you or any of those scientific studies that tell me that sex is a great stress reliever.

5. We just did it yesterday = We'll never do it daily ever again like our newlywed period, that's ancient history.

6. I love you honey, so I made your favorite meal = I'm going to make it up to you for not having sex with you for 2 months because I was too tired every day by..... working so hard in the kitchen for an hour and a half that I'll be too tired for sex tonight.

7. You used to give me so much more foreplay = I don't realize that this toddler that makes me too tired for daily sex makes you too tired to give me 2 hours of foreplay and makes it so we can't start foreplay till later than we used to and makes it so we can't sleep till noon after having sex till 3AM, and I forgot that yesterday I fell asleep telling how good you made me felt when you tried to give me more than 20 minutes of foreplay.

8. When I woke up to go to the bathroom at 2AM you weren't holding me anymore = I forgot that you can only sleep while touching my body if your balls are absolutely empty.

9. You used to take showers with me = why did you expect a shower together could lead into sex? and why are you spanking your monkey every time you shower like a teenager?

10. My body isn't what it used to be = I know we used to fuck like bunnies, but I'm gonna let this feeling that I'm 1% less sexy than before cause us to have 99% less sex.

Yeah, I've read the Mars and Venus books. It's too scary how true they are - Women need to feel love and romance to want sex, but men need sex to feel loving and romantic. Ladies, it can't be all about you all the time, once in awhile take one for the team. It's all too simple: If you're too tired for sex everyday, show your man you love him by taking steps to get rid of what's making you tired. Every day you go without sex, move sex up a little higher on your to-do list. I can guarantee you just a few days without it and sex is already #1 on your man's to-do list. Yes, it's a tiny part of a relationship, but sex is the keystone that makes the whole thing possible. Without it, you're just roommates of the opposite sex.

And finally, I don't hate my wife. I love her. That's why I'm spanking my monkey instead of cheating. I have told her all of these translations to help her modify her behavior with stuff like telling me whenever she's not too tired for sex such as 10am Saturday, giving me quickies from time to time, napping while our son naps instead of doing chores, I'll take a dirty house and sex over a clean one and no sex any day. 자기야 사랑해! 이번에는 임심했어도 나랑 섹스 해줘서 고마워.


Jenny! said...

You could clean the house...that is sure to put any woman in the mood! I love it love it when my fiance cleans...he is a real lucky man that night!

Beanie's Appa said...

Yes, my wife says I look suddenly very sexy when I'm washing the dishes myself.

Anonymous said...

Sure, work all day, then come home to clean the house...Say Jenny, does that mean your guy's real unlucky to be with you on those days when he's not your maid?

Beanie's Appa said...

I read an interesting blog entry recently (sorry I don't have the link) that talked about a side effect of the feminist revolution. Feminists in the 70's and 80's found this new power to reject sex with their husbands when they (the girls) didn't want it... but now they are realizing the side effect: blanket sexual rejection causes husbands to cheat or leave. Basically - if you don't have sex with your sex partner, he'll go looking for another sex partner. Don't underestimate the power of a man's sex drive. The real solution is find the problem causing the woman to not desire sex and fix it. It could be as simple as giving him feedback on what he's doing wrong rather than giving him a blanket rejection.

Anonymous said...

What do you do when it is the OTHER way around? My husband is the tired one, and I want it EVERY DAY!!!

Expat Mom said...

Interesting post. I was going to leave a more complicated response, but then I saw the other replies and decided I don´t feel like being attacked. :D

Beanie's Appa said...

Let me boil it down to its most simplistic form, but perhaps it's time for new posts, my blog is stale... If you're in a sexual relationship and your sex drive drops and your partner's doesn't. That's a problem. Saying you're "too tired" every time ignores the problem and hurts your relationship.

If children are the source of the lowered libido, perhaps we should get help, more babysitter time, less hyperparenting, more help from the other spouse, whatever. The best gift you can give your child is a strong relationship with the child's other parent. You probably had sex to get that child. Dropping sex from your relationship is literally tearing it to pieces.

Anonymous said...

Let me first say: If anything, feminism has had just as much of a good impact on that front as a bad one. I think it's wrongheaded to blame such an important movement. Peoples personal philosophies have everything to do with it. So the blame should fall only on you and your wife.

I've had all kinds of relationships, and I only started dating women who weren't that attracted to me/had unexplainable libido issues recently. So I've been looking into it a lot. I don't want to be a drain on someone who perceives their lifestyle as healthy and try to find signs of good compatibility in people. If it's an actual physical or mental problem they say to consult a doctor/therapist, but most people really don't have a problem with their libido, whether they've been accused of having a mental of physical issue; their partner has the problem. The person who wants more always feels left out in the cold, the person who wants less is comfy as hell because they're already where they want to be. They aren't really thinking about it that way, and usually even mentioning it does more harm and makes them even less willing to work with you because they feel insulted by how the information has been presented.


My problem is that I've had some great relationships. Total cooperation, communication, and commitment on all fronts. The frequency of sex with my most revered loves was about 30-90 times a month. The woman who I was having sex with 90 times a month (sometimes more sometimes less) was severely passionate, and there was no end to the affection we showed to one another. Every possible form. And whenever she was tired it made total sense, but that was rare. I almost never turned her down just the same, and I was working two jobs. She was working, and cooked and cleaned the kitchen, I handled laundry, anything that needed to be fixed, and we both could and would handle any of these jobs for one other. I never would have left her, but she got the idea that I was cheating, which there was no evidence for and I would have never had the energy, but the fighting was so bad I decided the abuse wasn't worth an otherwise completely fair and fulfilling home life. That was after three years, and even through the fighting our attraction, passion, and work ethic never ceased.

But recently I got into another live-in relationship with a girl who's energy fizzled after about a month. Really bad after the second month. She didn't clean, worked part time, and I was still working the same type of hours and pressing the same sort of ethic I had previously. We were having sex about 2-4 times a week the first month, which dwindled to twice usually, to once a week, to twice a month. We then split amicably after 6 months. I had been planning to break up soon after the second month, but held out a sick sort of hope that things would improve somehow. She was just always too tired. But I realized she was just a lazy person in general, and once a habit begins, if the person doesn't mind that habit, don't expect much to change or they'd already be doing it.

I gave her plenty of time. I asked probing questions but never blamed her. Tried to guide her/have her guide me. She'd talk like she wanted things to change, but she never upheld her end even when I did. It felt like such a sham. I felt so ugly. She insisted on always being at my house, but we'd be in separate places doing separate things. She was always there but I never felt more alone.

Anonymous said...

Touch became uncomfortable, we stopped holding each other, of course we were never that affectionate to begin with. We'd peck kiss and say I love you and that was the extent of our love. I'd go to hold her and she'd fling my arms away, make noises like "Blech" as she'd shake and push me away. It became uncomfortable for me to initiate at all, and I just gave up. That's when sex became a weekend thing with no passion, just a "get it over with" attitude on her end and ambivalence on mine. I could vomit.

It hurt so deeply. I can't explain the way my stomach drops just thinking about that woman. How gross I felt and still feel when I think about the rejection in the face of "I love you's." I think the worst "I love you's" are the ones that are used to replace "I'm sorry's." I wondered why she just didn't leave on her own sooner. We had nothing.


I can't agree with much of what you hear when your wife tells you she's too tired. But I'm always dismayed when I hear something like that, and here are some reasons why:
Being rejected for sex a few times here or there is okay, especially when you can't argue with the excuse. But once it becomes normal to hear something's in the way, it makes me feel unattractive; unwanted; unloved; neglected; partnered with the wrong person at the wrong place during the wrong time. An intense feeling of ugliness fills me up inside and drowns out any natural confidence I started with. After a certain point it's impossible to get back.

And yes, that's usually when intense feelings of needing to cultivate something genuine take hold. And that is why I'm afraid of marriage. And it's also why I'm now quick to let people know when our lifestyles and energy levels are outright incompatible and that our energy would be better spent with people who could empathize with us, not simply sympathize with a position and let it slide without understanding it.

I feels good to get that off my chest.

And neither of the women I mentioned suffered physical abuse. They were both spoiled rotten and living comfortable lives when I met them. And my expectations are actually low off the bat and in general. I don't usually expect more sex than 3-4 times a week, or whatever develops naturally despite being put through special forces type training and gaining a huge appreciation of high libido women in that element.

Beanie's Appa said...

Wow, how did you find such an old neglected blog. Anyway, I've been meaning to do another follow up, since things have much improved. Really, a required reading list since I refused to believe our situation, being common, was anything healthy.

Through my recent years of study, I've found that my distaste of feminism is more that it made me personally believe "be nice, and girls will love you", and that normal masculinity is bad, but that's wishful thinking. It's whining how the world should work, but not embracing how it actually works.

Basically, I had taken their message of female empowerment, and brought upon myself male disempowerment, rather than stay strong as an equal.

So how did that affect my marriage? For years, I would take my wife's nagging and do what she said to the letter, would avoid fighting her, walking on eggshells, do everything her way, etc, but find that she never wanted to fuck like she did in our early years.

Simply learning what a "shit test" is, recognizing it when my wife does it, starting to pass instead of fail made her suddenly more frisky and wet.

Oh, and also, reflecting her rejections back on her cut the crap fast: "No, I won't let you go with your buddies to ladies night out tomorrow, you were too tired for sex yesterday, remember? Sex is way less tiring than a night out, so you should stay in and sleep, instead."